So now what?

I did it. After thinking and agonizing over my decision I finally decided to quit. It wasn't easy. I'm one of those teachers who get to love every one of the kids in my class. Unfortunately, sometimes things beyond your control happens - and yes you feel as if you are letting all thesethis was not supposed to be a sad kids down.

Even though I only write this now I already stopped working at the end of March. Do I regret it? Sometimes. Do I miss the kids? Definitely. Would I do things different if I had the chance? Yes I would. The last day at school I was so sad. Saying goodbye to the kids, greeting the parents for the last time (this was the hardest thing to do) and then just walking to your car. Not thinking about tomorrow, trying not to fall apart and driving away smiling and waving at everyone.

And then you wake up the next morning ...... I felt so lonely, without a plan, what do I do next? I took the kids to school, came back home and went to bed. For the first two weeks I would get emotional every time I spoke to someone from the nursery school where I worked. Yes I knew I was becoming depressed. Everyday I would just stay at home and sleep for hours. It doesn't sound very appealing does it? I didn't want to meet up with friends, I would ignore my phone when it was ringing, I just wanted to be left alone .....

How far have I come since then? Well .... I still take the kids to school. Sometimes when I get home I go and lie in bed, but most of the time I start doing something in the home. I still don't feel like seeing people, I do make an effort now and then - and it's not all bad.

This was not supposed to be a sad, depressing blog. It was actually supposed to just let you know that everyone can feel this way. It is easy to say: "everything's fine!", but the next time you ask someone how they are - really listen. There could be just a slight change of the voice or no eye contact, there might even be a smile.

The person you see may always be smiling, making jokes. But what you see, is just what you are allowed to see.

How am I? I'm fine! Doing great! No problems!

Smile and wave ;-)

A letter to teachers everywhere

I wish that all teachers knew the impact they have on kids lives. My youngest is finishing his last year in primary school. With all my other kids, this was a very emotional thing to go through. Well guess what? This time it isn't. It is as though this year was the year that the teachers wanted to show the parents and kids that they are the boss, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Every year the grade 7's had the privilege of having a special shirt that they could wear on Fridays, well not this year, the school just decided that the kids won't have any. They decided on a new demerit system. If your diary is in your bag and not on your table, guess what? Two points demerit for you! If you write too slow in the exam and don't finish your paper, guess what? Sorry, another demerit for you. It's not hard to get to twelve demerit points, and then you'll have detention. Of course then the teacher will tell you how you're wasting their Friday afternoon. I know my child didn't sit detention and didn't get too many demerits, but this letter is for every boy and girl out there who has been bullied by teachers.

I believe that if a child is not behaving he should be punished! Every action has a reaction. The problem I have is when educators try to catch kids doing something wrong. If you didn't paste your paper in your book it's worthy of a demerit. What happened to talking to kids? Why do educators feel the need to show they have power over kids. Guess what? We know that, you've got our kids for long times during the day. We know that if we complain you will let it out on our kids. What can we do? You win!

Thanks for making my son and the whole grade 7 class of 2014 feel like the worst class you ever had to teach anything to. Thanks for breaking their self confidence, for trampling on their dreams, for sending them to high school with a low self esteem.

Next year with the new grade 7 group please try the following:

• Accept the good in them before you decide they are worthless
• Understand that they are kids, not adults
• They are looking up to you for guidance, don't step on their souls
• A child will listen to a soft voice and rebel against harshness
• They are doing everything in their power to please you
• Last but not least, this is their last year, please let them be kids and have some fun

I know there are wonderful teachers out there. Thank you so much for your love and dedication. This letter is not about you.

I love my children. I will do anything for them. I will pick up the pieces and put them back together again. You know why? For I am a mom, and I am my children's mom. (Oh yes, and don't forget I also am a teacher. I hope and pray that I won't ever treat a child the way our children was treated this year.)

 

 

 

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My daughter, my hero

I have no words to describe the feeling I got when I saw my daughter for the first time in nearly seven months. I was in transit for almost 24 hours, I wasn't sure what time it was supposed to be - but boy I was so happy to see her. When I got out of the car and she came rushing down the stairs I new it was the right decision to go visit her. The first thing I noticed was how grown-up she became. She was the one who asked me if I was hungry, do I need anything, can she make me something to drink? She made me the most wonderful chicken salad and best cup of coffee I've had in a long time.

Because she new everything and I was the one not knowing anything, it quickly became clear that the dynamics of our relationship was going to change. She would be hurrying for the subway and I was just trying to stay close. How was I supposed to know that behind those closed doors was a staircase leading to trains parked underneath New York City? I was amazed at how strong my daughter is, it is something I never had the chance to witness here in South Africa. Here it was easy to always know where she was and what she was doing. Now I can only pray that she will make the right choices, and you know what? She is doing absolutely wonderful!I would not have been able at the age of 21 to fly to another country, settle in and make friends. She became my hero ....

We only had two weeks together, it really was too short. Do I plan to go again? You bet. Would I do something's different? O yes, I would definitely book as a hotel for a few nights in New York instead of taking the subway from West Nyack every time. I would still walk forever in Central Park, run in the rain and loose my sandal, struggle with configuring dollars to rands. But most of all I would love to spend time with my daughter again .....

Love you Chanél ;-)

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I'll pick myself up and try again

It's true, I just stopped writing for nine months! I can't even say that I was pregnant, it would have been wonderful to have something to show after all this time. The only thing I have to show is a hurt ego. I thought it would be easy to start a blog. I like reading other people's blogs, surely it would be easy to start my own ...... Then I woke up from my dream.

I would love it if the words could just flow from my fingers. Unfortunately, everything has to be connected to my brain. Sometimes I would write something over and over, just because it didn't sound right. Yes, I have a little OCD - how did you guess?

The last time I wrote something, my kids were just starting the new school year. The year is just about finished now. My youngest is on his way to high school, that brings along a whole new set of  rules and changes in all my perfect planning!

One of the best things this year was going to New York to visit my daughter. She went over on 1 December 2013 and at the end of June this year I got the chance to visit her. What an adventure - mom and daughter alone in the Big Apple!

Everyone warned me about the heat that time of year. Boy it was hot, I really wasn't prepared for that. I thought I was going to melt. Even with all the heat, the sore feet, the running for trains on the subway (why is everyone in such a hurry?) and the incredible exhaustion, it was so worth it.

Now it's back to reality. I'm really going to try my best, I will get my blog going. I really enjoy writing everything down and then reading it at a later stage and seeing how things have changed in the end.

I will go into more detail about New York, the flight over, the crying and the laughing! Thank you for reading my blog and taking the journey with me :-)

No more books!

That's it! I officially quit. If anyone out there sends me one more book to cover, I'm going to run down the street screaming like a crazy person. It will not be for effect either, I will be crazy.  I have never in my life felt so utterly misused.

I know there will be parents out there telling me that my kids should cover there own books. I understand where you're coming from, but it just doesn't work for me. This is the one thing that I actually enjoy (or did). I love covering books, making sure the corners are nice, neat and square. If my kids did it I would only be hovering around and if they moved to something else, I would do it over. Yes, I have a little bit of OCD in me. 

The trouble now is this: in one subject the books must be covered with newspaper, name in the top right hand corner. Oh and don't forget the teacher's name. Next subject: now there are two books - one should be blue and the other red. Off we go to the shops for red and blue paper. See what I'm getting at?

We've got books with black paper. Some books have got their own covers that we should use. On some books we should put the year, some have the teacher's name and others have the number of the classroom on. If I was president for a day I would change everything to one universal standard. Why does every book have to be different? If the teacher wants to change something get new curtains, move the furniture, get a plant.

Yes, I know I am moaning. At this stage it really doesn't matter anymore. The books are covered. I am tired. I am cranky. I need a hug.

Hopefully tomorrow there will be no more books to cover. I'm sure there can't be anymore. Please don't let there be more books !!!!

It works for me!

Yes I'm guilty! From starting out and trying to blog everyday to not blogging at all. How bad can you feel? To make things worse, except for being busy and telling myself that there is no time left in the day to spend in front of my iPad, there actually is no excuse.

Of course the schools started after the long December holidays. My kids had been at home for eight weeks! After all the chasing around and trying to get everything ready for the first day of school I felt like I really needed a break. I couldn't look at another shop, I wanted nothing to do with clothes, books, pencils - anything that looked like it belonged in a school bag.

You know how you sometimes just want to climb into your bed and forget about everything? That was me. Unfortunately my kids didn't get the memo. Of course they wanted a sleepover at our house, they know that their friends are always welcome, so why wouldn't I want them over? Yippie !!!!!

Fortunately they each only invited one friend over. After making a lovely chicken dinner and relaxing with my kindle I decided it was time for bed. Not for the kids though, just for old people like me and my husband. The only problem is, I'm one of those people who can't sleep unless everything is super quiet. My husband however can just climb in bed, roll on his side - and he's asleep!

After getting up every fifteen minutes and doing ...... well nothing, I decided that I would once again revert to good old Prestik! Yes, those putty things you use to put posters up in your classroom. I've used it before and the only setback is that your hair can get stuck in it and it really is an awkward feeling when you hear your heartbeat in your ears the whole time (until you move your head slightly). That was it! I slept like a baby. I didn't hear the boys raiding the fridge, I didn't hear the playstation or the computer.

Next time I will be sure to have the Prestik on hand before I climb in bed. No reason for me to suffer unnecessarily. I almost feel like I should give out a warning like the ads on television that you shouldn't try this at home. I don't know what my doctor will say if I mention it to her (perhaps I shall keep it a secret for now), I just know that it works for me.

Believe me, a well rested mom with sticky ears is so much better that a tired grumpy mom. Now, where did  I put my Prestik?

I will always be there

Why does it always have to be that you have to make choices? Wouldn't it be a lot easier if we could just know what lies ahead of us and had no worries about our future? I know, I know, life doesn't really work that way.

At the start of a new school year for my own kids it's always a bit sad for me. We rush around to get everything, the night before we are still marking our stationary and packing all our stuff away (you all know about my little problem with procrastination). They have to eat, take a bath, rush to bed .... And now? What happens next? We never had that important talk - the one where I tell them that no matter what happens, no matter what they do I will always love them. I didn't get to tell them that perhaps this year will not be as great as they hope it will be, maybe they'll have problems with teachers, sometimes their friends will change and another person will be more important to that friend.

If I could pave the road for them I would. I would fight every battle, sooth every heartache, take away every broken heart, do everything in my power so that they have the most wonderful experience in their lives. The really sad part is I can't. I'll be on the sidelines cheering, looking on and knowing that sometimes there will be hurt that they don't want to share with me. I can only stand quietly and help when asked, even though I have a physical pain in my heart every time I see them suffer. They will have to make their own choices, some good others not so good. They'll have to choose between friends, doing the right thing or just doing what everyone else does.

I wish for them a life full of laughter, a heart that knows only sunshine and happiness. I hope that they get up every morning with joy, that they never get to know the ugliness of the human nature, that they always believe in the good of everybody.

Above all, I want them to know that I am their mother, I am always on their side, I will fight with them and I will fight for them. I will love them to the end of time.

May all our children have the best possible year, and may the stars in their eyes never die ;-)